| mission impossible |
[May. 25th, 2012|07:18 pm] |
i am truly ashamed of myself. the effects of my own 24-year old working sister and fan-crazy girlfriends have rubbed off me and i stand a defeated k-pop aficionado.
i've been a victim of sleep-issues for...years, now. but lately it's like a vicious wrangle every night. so much so i actually dread the end of the day. what does a girl need to do around here to get a decent night's rest? i'm physically and mentally crippled by nightfall and after being butchered by insomnia, my vitality the next day is essentially non-existent. and this cycle is on repeat, evvvvery day. i'm currently running (on sheer adrenaline) solely to avoid the cantankerous knife stabbing me in the back of the head whispering "exams are in 2 god-fangled WEEKS." what can i say? #studentlife.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2012|12:13 am] |
i actually miss blogging. it was a boring day, and i got hit by an unexpected bug of who-cares-about-the-world-lets-just-fail-everything, so i googled myself. and it pulled up ancient entries of my friends' long abandoned blogs, which accordingly brought back a rush of memories from 5-6 years ago. it was extremely fun times, i have to say, i was a whole lot more gregarious, a part of me i've since relinquished. a couple of years ago someone told me my demeanor alternates in different company. i never really thought about it until then. i'm responsible, loving, and dependable with my other half, but once i'm in the presence of the friends that i love so much i just lose my savoir-faire and become altogether unleashed. is it wrong to have two complexions? the person who told me made it seem that way. i vaguely remember he used the word 'hypocritical', which induced me to consciously let that exterior of mine dwindle. since i started seeing someone new i've forced myself to narrow the gap between my two sides, and reconcile them as one. that meant limiting my explosions of emotions and actions around my friends, and behaving like an adult. but reading those old entries made me realize i've grown an awful lot more tame. was it age?
here in brisbane life is, for there is no other word, mundane. i wake up past noon, everyday save for lessons, make myself lunch, study until dinner, sometimes make dinner for the house, study some more, all with the company of him on skype, and finally slip into bed for another battle of insomnia at 4am. it's become so routine that i've reached the point of beyond boredom, if such a thing exists. when i first got here i used to chase excitement, go to the city for drinks, drink in the mountains, drink at friends' places, anything to escape the humdrum. but now i sit, and wait for excitement to come find me, browsing through my notes whilst.
now he's started work, i'm alone at home most of the time. well, he never really was there, but my definition of "there" since long-distance began has shriveled to "present on webcam". thankfully dependency is something that i've learnt, through painful past, to bridle. why put yourself through it? looking back now it didn't make sense, but i guess i'll use the lame excuse of 'but i was young and blind'.
i've come to a realization of god, i'm old. i'm aware that 22 isn't even near the time i'm allowed to grieve, but the awareness of how much i've grown since 2007 validates my pass. the compilation of events and situations has made me dull. i used to be a happier, yes childish, person, but something i aspire to revive, even if for a while.
but for now, i appreciate the undramatic, especially with my love life. after the last couple of years, stability is refreshing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2011|02:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
ever since this semester began, on numerous accounts i've noticed myself unwittingly picking up my bizlaw notes to review repeatedly, tactlessly myopic to the rest of my subjects. i think it's palpable to say the indecisive devil in me is surfacing yet again. sigh. and never to be overcome. the grass is always going to be a lush, puerile kind of fluorescent green on the other side of the damned fence for me. me and dissatisfied are becoming progressively synonymous. law's appeal is outweighing all the modules, and i'm wondering if maybe i should have ignored my dad's prescription and gone ahead with it. it's not that i'm not happy with business, because compared to NUS, business is a freakish kind of nonpareil. it's just that (somewhat too familiar) feeling of what-if?? right now i'm just trying to convince myself that business > law. because unless you're one of the best, it's fair to say it's pretty much inconceivable that you're going to be of any substance in the unfairly competitive industry. small fries in small firms, smaller fries in big firms. pay is one thing - making a name for yourself is another. and also, business is such a general degree. i can go into a whole assortment of professions. given my indecisive nature, if one doesn't suit me, i can conveniently deflect to the next option. and what's more, it doesn't hurt that my dad's establishment in the industry means he can pull strings here and there for me, if the necessity comes up (hopefully it doesn't).
but at the end of the day, i still feel like i'm making excuses for myself. now i'm thinking of picking up a double degree. business management and law. i'm not sure it's going to be of any use to me in the obstinately near future, though. if i do decide to do it, it'll be entirely out of interest, with minimal consideration of it's value and application. that's another year worth of school fees though. yeah. definitely still thinking about it.
speaking of which, my bizlaw paper is in 2 days. my first paper. ever get that feeling of, the more you read, the less prepared you feel? because you've already reached that point of saturation, and the more you read, you just ignore the new things you're learning, and focus more on the unjustified, painful realization that you DON'T know things (even though the former outweighs the latter). two words - i'm screwed.
doesn't help that my streak of distinctions was abruptedly, and mind you, excrutiatingly intercepted with a fail grade for my afore-mentioned OB paper that i so conveniently forgot about and had to rush through in a meagre span of 2 days. 17/35. really, clara? never letting myself off for that one. to make up for it, i've done the math - i need 46/50 for my final paper. which i will kill myself just to get. i'm not here to have all the fun in the world. i'm here for a second chance, and what's the use of paying hundreds of thousands to study here when i'm not going to get the grades?
i'm counting down to the 24th. that's when i can have unadulterated enjoyment. without the nagging feeling of why-arent-you-studying at the back of my head, i can watch movie after movie, satisfy my insatiable appetite for tetris, and sleep in until the cows come home. and go to the city for a much needed taste of shopping. i haven't spent a dime since my extravagant rampage that so marked my wallet about 3 weeks ago. prada, you will be the death of me.
anyway, now that i'm done with my ten minutes of (albeit guilty) tranquility, it's back to being an assiduous lab-rat for the educational ministry of the 21st century.
a tub of blue m&ms for you?
|
|
|
| turn me around |
[May. 11th, 2011|02:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  geeky | ] |
i know right, what's she doing back on livejournal?!
i havent updated since september of last year, which effectively means.... 8 months!!! back when i was still an emo grump of some sort, talking incessantly about how studies made my life miserable, and the decomposed cherry on top was how sad i was without andrew. either that or about my battle with anorexia. omgod boring. that made everybody dread reading my lj.
SOO. since then, i've withdrawn from NUS (best decision of my life), and i'm currently in Brisbane, LIVING IT UP. i'm not a wildchild - i do have some self restraint. but ever since i've come here, it's impossible to describe how much happier i've been. and i'm still trying to figure out why. the primary reason i can think of is the freedom i'm experiencing. no more parents breathing down my neck, i get to come home whenever i want, be it 3am from partying, or 5am from studying in the library. it's like my night and day have merged to become one, and it feels pretty damn good. or it could also be the independence. there's this sense of -- what's the word? accomplishment slash satisfaction that comes with the responsibility of having to rely on myself and only myself to survive. minus the bills, of course. that one's just painful. but i like doing the laundry, cooking, doing grocery runs, and having to balance all that with my schoolwork. you really have to live on your own, in your own apartment to know what i'm talking about. at least i know in the future, if i get my own place i won't be a walk disaster with no sense of direction!
anyway, i think my life has turned completely around (i know it's 180deg not 360deg haha! sorry. just a point i had to prove because i've said the latter on numerous occasions only to realize 10 seconds later it means i'm back to the same spot.) also largely because i've left everything bad and unhappy back in singapore and it's refreshingly liberating. all the bad memories of crying myself to sleep over self-loathing and disappointment, feeling alone even with my friends all around me -- are all back there, and i've stripped myself of them by coming here. and i only have responsibilities and work to preoccupy my time, which are really, more than enough.
since i've come here, i've gone drinking at mount cootha, a beautiful mountain peak that overlooks the city, and at night when the lights come up it really is the prettiest i've seen. i think it beats the peak in HK hands down. probably because of the weather and i'm unfairly biased given my im-happy-nothing-can-burst-my-bubble mentality here. i've also gotten alcoholically comatose in a club and ended up at some guy's place (contrary to any of my memory), only to be rescued by frantic friends. i also have a perpetual carton of beer sitting next to our minifridge. i've visited harbourtown, jindalee's factory outlet, had the best japanese bubble tea in the world, and the list goes on. brisbane is one heck of a boring place, but we make the best of it. and for now, i'm still managing straight distinctions. have a feeling my streak is going to be broken by an OB essay i just submitted though. completely forgot about it til 2 days before, and that amount of time to churn out 2000 words is really, not enough at all. coupled with insane cramps and hunger (i was in the iibrary working til 4am so yes, no food), i don't have the usual sense of satisfaction after completing my essay. i only have a measly 7 citations, compared to my usual 20. sigh. i'm just hoping the PRCs and locals are worse writers than me.
i'm getting a little worried about exams, which are in a month. but as to avoid becoming my old self, im keeping this paragraph short. OH NO EXAMS ARE COMING AND IM NOT QUITE PREPARED. study time!
i really think it's quite lame to post photos here, when facebook has everything already. facebook is really phasing out everything else in this virtual spectrum. oh well. photos anyway, because i cannot stand text-only posts.
 |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2010|09:42 pm] |
What's the one question you would like to ask if the answer were guaranteed to be correct?
If you still love me.
i think i just need a really good cry. i think i'll be fine after. i'm a big, strong girl. i'm better than i give myself credit for. what's one setback in life? nothing lasts forever, so i guess i should have been more careful from the start. one day at a time, clara.
and here come the tears
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2010|10:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
DEPRESSED, through and through
i really don't have the time or energy to update this nowadays. yeah, recess week just went by, but i feel like it never happened at all. and it's not like i'm rushing projects and assignments everyday, submitting just before the 12th hour. i'm actually strolling through them, since i started early on them. but the same thing always happens - i open the document, spend 20 minutes staring at it, another 20 dillydallying, another 20 doing xxx and yyy and there you go, an hour's gone by without my document even needing to be re-saved.
and because of my slowness in completing my assignments, i'm starting to lag behind my lectures and readings. i absolutely cannot fucking wait for this week to be over so everything stops biting me in the ass. i'm TRYING my best, i really am, to keep going. but i think i put myself into gear 6 too soon, and my drive is really dying down. i peaked too frickin early. my attention span now is that of a 3 year old. yeah, zilch. writing essays really makes me feel frustrated and tired.
i'm so sick of waking up feeling guilty, eating lunch/dinner with the thoughts of 'i should be finishing my essays', and well in general, feeling guilty about my low drive now. it's not my fault, it's human isn't it? im in the pits now, really low in morale. make this week fly, please please please.
every time i open facebook or twitter i feel this sickening pang of guilt telling me to alt+tab to microsoft instead.
i've been having thoughts of suicide in my head. it's sick. like, what the hell is wrong with me. but they just come and i really can't stop them. i need a happy pill.
I CANT CATCH A FUCKING BREAK. when i relax, i just want to relax. then i can study better after. but my sleep isn't sleep, i wake up in sweaty guilt. but when i sit at my desk, i don't get anything done anyway, because my mind is just not focusing.
maybe i should see a shrink and get antidepressants. and get my ano problems checked too. |
|
|
| i wanna grow old with you |
[Sep. 21st, 2010|06:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
Oh all I wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you
♥
|
|
|
| sway to the rhythm of love. |
[Sep. 14th, 2010|10:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
My head is stuck in the clouds
She begs me to come down
Says "Boy quit foolin' around"
I told her "I love the view from up here
The warm sun and wind in my ear
We'll watch the world from above
As it turns to the rhythm of love"
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love
My heart beats like a drum
A guitar string to the strum
A beautiful song to be sung
She's got blue eyes deep like the sea
That roll back when she's laughing at me
She rises up like the tide
The moment her lips meet mine
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love
When the moon is low
We can dance in slow motion
And all your tears will subside
All your tears will dry
And long after I've gone
You'll still be humming along
And I will keep you in my mind
The way you make love so fine
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love |
|
|
| sigh |
[Sep. 5th, 2010|07:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
school hasnt been very eventful. it's just lots of readings, webcasts, assignments, so on and so forth. once i put one book down i'm picking up another. lit is all about the books. at least my timetable is a nice 3-day week.
i miss you :(
don't have much of a mood to do anything now.
i miss youuu :(
|
|
|
| luggage bag |
[Jul. 9th, 2010|12:27 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
today i made this! in honour of liah and weirong coming back from overseas studying to spend holiday time with us. welcome home friends! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
triggerpop's journal
